


airhead

by undread



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Angst, Asexual Ishimaru Kiyotaka, Crying in the Shower, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecurity, M/M, Ocean Metaphors, Sexual Content, abuse cycle, but it's referenced throughout, but like not quite - Freeform, everyone gets a fish, hes not just gonna TALK ABOUT IT, maybe ooc idk, mondo doesn't know taka is ace, only at the beginning, taka is wildly sex repulsed but like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:00:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28022802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undread/pseuds/undread
Summary: everyday is shittysomehow it's the same as sleeping nowit's fine like this
Relationships: Ishimaru Kiyotaka/Oowada Mondo
Comments: 9
Kudos: 125





	airhead

**Author's Note:**

> i like fish /shrug
> 
> another one reworked from an old fic. i'm actually super proud of this one, more proud than the corpse dance one sjndjsnfw

"Why are you sorry?"

Why _is_ he sorry? He's never apologized during sex before. Trapped in the abyssopelagic layer that is underneath the covers, he's done everything Mondo asked. He's been good. At most, he's been a little quiet. He's a mackerel and he's not used to being in this deep, it doesn't feel meant for him. Mondo is an angler though, and his light pulled Kiyotaka in, Kiyotaka was trusting. This all just felt wrong, though. Anglers use their light to attract prey and Kiyotaka feels like he's being eaten alive.

"I'm just-" he struggles, he doesn't know how to reply, he can't survive this deep. He slows his movement, but he's still going, for Mondo. "I- I don't know. I'm not sure why I apologized." Kiyotaka speeds up again and Mondo throws his arms around his neck. In any other context, he would enjoy the touch. If it was for any other reason, it wouldn't feel as- as- as what? Gross? That was rude to Mondo, to imply what was happening was unclean, dirty. It's not gross. It's just wrong. Icky, at most. Kiyotaka wonders if he actually is doing good, he's probably not, he's only ever done this a handful of times with Mondo and he thinks Mondo should probably find someone else who can treat him properly. Maybe that's why he apologized, for not being good enough.

Mondo's enjoying himself, to an extent, Kiyotaka thinks, he's gasping and shaking and those are good signs. The first time they had done anything like this, Kiyotaka had stopped every few seconds to make sure Mondo was alright. Surely the larger was annoyed. Kiyotaka just... wanted him to be safe. He wanted him to be okay, above all else, above how Kiyotaka felt, if Mondo was happy and Mondo was okay and Mondo was safe then everything was alright. Despite the feeling in Kiyotaka's stomach that he might vomit, everything was alright. 

Mondo finishes around him and it's all over his stomach. Kiyotaka didn't finish, he didn't want to, really, and he's not exactly sure if Mondo even notices. He pulls out and grabs a tissue, quickly wiping off both his own sex and Mondo's stomach. He chucks the tissue in the trash as Mondo groans, grabbing at him. Kiyotaka pulls him into a hug, strokes his loose hair softly. Mondo hums at the contact. "Did you like it?" Kiyotaka asks, his voice quiet.

Mondo hums in approval. "Loved it," he says, and Kiyotaka would like to believe him, but he can't help but not.

"Do you hurt anywhere?" He asks, he still just wants Mondo to be safe.

"Mm-mm."

"That's good," Kiyotaka breathes, burying his face into Mondo's shoulder. This is what he really wants- he just wants to cuddle. He wants to hold Mondo and be held, because that's when he really feels loved. Sex is said to deepen the feelings of love in couples, but that doesn't really feel true. Kiyotaka feels loved when he's being held, as though he's precious, as though he needs to be protected. As much as he wants to protect Mondo, he can't help but want the same for himself. Kiyotaka is a selfish man at his core, for one reason or another he is selfish and he feels so guilty. Everything he wants is a demand for recognition, isn't it? It's selfish of him.

Mondo falls asleep underneath him, his arms splayed to his sides, rather than around the raven. It hurts a little, but Kiyotaka tries to ignore the feeling, he really really tries. Still, it doesn't go away. He slips out of bed and into the bathroom. He's covered in sweat and honestly still a little hard, a shower will calm him down, hopefully.

The water is freezing. His hair falls in his face, and he winces as it washes over every inch of him. Kiyotaka doesn't like looking at himself, he keeps his eyes closed as he sits. He scrubs himself raw with the soap, he's sure if he opens his eyes he'll see his skin inflamed and red from rubbing too hard. He doesn't bother with a cloth, keeping the bar directly on his skin. He still doesn't feel clean, though, after he's technically finished. The prefect pulls his knees up to his chest and opens his eyes, his vision halfway covered by the tops of his knees. They're red and the whole situation reminds him of something his brain doesn't want him to remember right now and he gives up trying to do so. Tears well up in Kiyotaka's eyes and he struggles to keep them in- he doesn't want to cry right now. He doesn't want to cry ever again. He wants to stop feeling so strongly, he wants to just let go, he wants to stop _being so selfish._ The shower is the epipelagic layer and he feels safe and he absolutely hates it and he doesn't even know why.

He gets out. It's safe but there's still danger to it, like there's danger to herring and sharks sharing a habitat, his mind convinces him. Nowhere is safe for him, as the shark's shadow still follows everywhere he goes. A shark can eat three pounds of herring a day. He dries off and wraps the towel around his waist and lets it sit there, it's heavy and warm and for a second if he moves _just right_ he can ignore the fuzz and it feels like Mondo is holding him. He has to let go though, he needs to return to the abyss, or he feels like he needs to, Mondo is in the abyss, Mondo is an angler and the anglers light is attractive even from the zone closest to the sun.

He climbs back into the bed and Mondo is still asleep, still naked, still unaware. Of what, Kiyotaka asks himself. His crying, how he feels, how he hates himself, Mondo knows of none of it and it's a secret Kiyotaka will take with him until he can't anymore. Kiyotaka supposes he doesn't need to get dressed either but he wants to, he doesn't want to look at his body anymore. He's had enough. Tears prick at the corners of his eyes as he puts on his pajamas and he inhales sharply, keeps his eyes open for a bit so that they dry. He's done crying, done being selfish. Mondo was happy, he should be happy that he could do something for Mondo. Mondo's feelings mattered more than Kiyotaka's, everyone's feelings mattered more than Kiyotaka's. If Kiyotaka could make others happy then he was doing something right.

When Kiyotaka was seven, he saw a toy that he wanted. He never had toys before, and it looked fun, if anything he wanted to know what the other kids were interested in. He pointed to it and asked if he could have it as politely as he could. Takaaki had declined, though. _We don't have the money right now, I'm sorry._ That night, Kiyotaka heard his father and his grandfather talking- _Kiyotaka is selfish even for a child,_ the elder had said, and Takaaki tried to correct him. Kiyotaka didn't know any better at the time, didn't understand the state of the family. Still, he had been selfish, he was punished for it, he learned to not be selfish anymore. It was okay for Toranosuke to take without asking and it was wrong for Kiyotaka to ask for things and not even receive. Even after his lesson, he remained selfish, though. He was selfish at his core and no amount of punishment or lessons could solve that. He isn't a mackerel or a herring, he's worse than the shark who tried to teach him better, he's a pacific viperfish lurking in trenches that could never see the light of day. He is horrific, he is selfish.

He's crying without realizing it, directly into Mondo's shoulder. He's not wailing, not screaming, just lightly sobbing and as he realizes this the other stirs. Kiyotaka immediately sits up, bows his head, sucks in air harshly. Get it under control. "I'm sorry," he apologizes immediately, he's back to apologizing, because he's been selfish, he's always been selfish.

"Why are you sorry?"

**Author's Note:**

> me, tacking on parental abuse at the very end: for flavour
> 
> once again this went in a direction i wasnt expecting,,,
> 
> i think people forget that when taka does smth wrong he asks to be punished. like. yall he had to learn that,,, he had to learn that from someone-


End file.
